We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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