Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
