What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
