i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
