Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
