Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
