He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
