I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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