I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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