I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
