i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
