I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
