Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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