Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
