Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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