I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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