please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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