You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
