She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
