There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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