if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Randomize
