people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
