just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
