yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
