A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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