So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
