I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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