I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
