By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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