My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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