At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
