Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
