My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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