Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
