it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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