It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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