My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
