I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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