im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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