i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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