Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
