Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
