I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
