I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
