Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
