I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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