Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
