The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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