Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
