Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Found the puke drawer
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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